2. When the Native Americans celebrated the first Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims back in seventeen whatever, do you think they sat around Plymouth rock eating turkey without something to sip? No way. They brewed up some of the sweet stuff, that's what they did. They lived in New England. They weren't about to drink the salt water. I mean think about it. Also, I have a college degree.
3. When the ancient peoples crossed the piece of ice that used to connect Siberia to Northern Canada, you think they drank Gatorade? Uh, no. They drank a hot beverage, called coffee, that they kept in their whale-bone thermoses. Lined with seal blubber. Don't believe me? I took World Civ 1.
4. Why do you think King Henry the Eighth whacked all of his wives heads off. Because he was tired of being married to them? Well, probably, but also because none of those royal broads would stop knitting long enough to fix him some Colombian brew. I'd get fed up, too, honestly.
5. When John Wilkes Booth shot Abe Lincoln, fleeing the theater, where do you think he went, the doctor? NOPE. Starbucks.
6. What do you think the Great Depression was such a depressing time for America? The Economy? The stock market? NO. Because all of the farms dried into a big dusty nuthin'. Including the coffee plantations.
7. Why do you think the Incas and Mayans disappeared? Disease? Famine? War? UH NO. Because they traveled further into South America where there's prime coffee farming, and changed their names to the Colombians and the Arabicas.
8. Why are Apple products called Apple products? Because Steve Jobs didn't think of Coffee Products at the time, and regretted it ever since. Don't believe me? Read his book. Or, you know, watch the Ashton Kutcher movie.
9. Why is the United States the most powerful country on Earth? Because we have Starbucks, our #1 export. (#2 being Breaking Bad on DVD.)
10. And finally: Harriet Tubman.
Because the Bible doesn't lie, people. Look it up.
Because coffee was partially how the natives died of small pocks. They kept drinking after one another.
Because I would have been in a Great Depression, too, if I were them.
Because that's just How It Is.