I try to make myself the exception.
I've always told myself that there are very few things that set me off.
A small number of circumstances actually matter enough to me to rustle my knickers.
To bunch my bananas.
To kick me in the corn hole....
Okay, that last one was a little much. But you get me.
After my recent return to the big city, I have access to all walks of life, all the time.
I'm exposed to thousands of people, thousands of situations, conversations, outfits, businesses, etc., on a daily basis.
And I'ma be honest with you fo a minute.
Some of it I don't like.
Some of it makes me irritated enough to want to say something, even though sometimes I can't because the people are either big and scary thugs, or, worse, they're girls.
So, today's episode of this summer-time mini series, Guide To Life, I'm going to approach issues I have with society in a passive, yet theraputic manner:
By publishing it online for all the world to see, from the point of view of my alternate ghetto personality.
Hopefully, if you have the same issues I do, you'll do the same in lieu of getting beat up.
And if you find that you DO these things... Just stop it.
AW HELL NAW #1: Dude-On-The-Phone-On-The-Train
Aw. Hell. Naw. No sir. You did NOT just answer the phone to your Bro, your homie, your bruthuh-from-anuthuh-muthuh, at the top of yo lungs in a crowded train car.
I already didn't like you. I don't know what it was: the fact that you were wearing an obviously-self-made muscle shirt with khaki shorts and a backwards snap-back, or the fact that I could hear yo gangstah-rap (that you are WAY to white for, BTW) all the way across the train car.
But now I have to listen to your "BRUH, for real! Nah, fer REAL BRUH. She was a hottie. Like a smokin' hottie! Like a SMOKIN' hottie. Like for real, Bruh, you don't even know. You don't even KNOW" the entire time I'm standing here.
Your Axe is choking me to death. Get off at the next stop and go back to Junior High School.
AW HELL NAW #2: Sassy Kid on the Sidewalk.
Aw. Hell. Naw. Child, you did NOT just look your nanny/babysitter/big sister in the eye, and tell her that you didn't have to do what she said because your mom "pays her, and if I tattle on you, you make no money."
OH, OKAY. YOU GONNA TATTLE? YOU GONNA TATTLE ON YO NANNY?
Ohhhh okay, and what exactly are you gonna tell her, little boy? You gonna tell yo mama that you was runnin' around, kicking people, pulling dog's tails, and knocking over flower pots? You gonna tell yo mama that the babysitter told you to stop.
Good luck with that. Also, thank whatever God you serve that I ain't yo mama.Cuz you woudn't have a backside in which to sit upon your golden throne.
AW HELL NAW #3: Creepy old man on the bus.
Don't even start with me. All Ima say is this: I got pepper spray, a knife, and about a twenty-year advantage on yo nasty-old-geezer behind.
AW HELL NAW #4: Random Person Who Buzzes My Apartment on the Regular
Aw. Hell. Naw. You did NOT just interrupt my "Pretty Little Liars" marathon on Netflix just because you too lazy to gitcho key outta yo pocket.
For real, people like you are the reason Americans have the reputation we have.
BACK YO SELF UP.
AW HELL NAW #5: The 1,000 Cyclists Who Were Wearing Nothing But Face Paint
NOTHING. BUT. FACE. PAINT.
AW. HELL NAW.
Because that's just How It Ain't.